Bloated

I recently ventured into the cold, cruel world of job hunting in a new city without my vast network of contacts for the first time in 21 years, and I believe I’ve discovered the reason why so many employers (all of them) are having such a terrible time recruiting new talent.

Your process probably stinks.

First, there are the platforms, all different, all with varying requirements, almost all completely annoying with one exception, LinkedIn (thanks LinkedIn). Many platforms direct you to each individual employer’s job site, and each individual employer’s job site is cumbersome in its own very, very special way.

One prospective employer required me to copy and paste each individual job and education credential already detailed on my resume into individual fields on its application, then asked me to upload my resume. This defines repetitive.

Another required me to apply, then see if I qualified to take a civil service exam through a mysterious process. I didn’t, I was told about three weeks later via a no-reply email. I pride myself on my sleuthing skills, but I struck out searching for a working website, a responsive email recipient, or anything else that would tell me why. As for a real person to talk to? Puh-leeze.

Then there are the job descriptions themselves, which are so ridiculously bloated they remind me of those humongous chicken wings at restaurants these days that a colleague calls “McFrankenwings.” You don’t even want to know how many hormones were pumped in there.

My favorite for most pretentious was a job for VP of Product.

“We’re in search of an experienced product-focused content leader that is experienced in managing and leading editorial teams to innovate on exciting new ideas and fulfill on strong foundational products,” the description began. It then detailed 18 required responsibilities and skills such as leading “our star-powered editorial team full of writers, editors and designers” and working “cross-functionally with Editorial, Sales, Marketing, Development and Ad Ops to ensure the value of our content-driven products is realized both internally and externally among prospects and existing customers.”

So, they wanted an editor and writer,  I surmised.

The kicker, though, in a different but similarly verbose job description, was after all those skills needed in thought leadership, strategic communications, partnering with a broad spectrum of stakeholders and the like, was this: “Must excel in creating PowerPoint presentations.” Really? If I possessed all those other grand and glorious skills, nobody else at this multi-national corporation could bang out a decent PowerPoint?

Ultimately, thanks to tele-commuting and the modern wisdom of my bosses, I was spared a long search.

Based out of Chicago, I will remain as senior editor of Franchise Times, reporting and writing engaging and useful articles—also known as content-focused product I’m told—and as editor and co-founder of Upsize, writing this column each issue for readers I adore.

Meanwhile, my tip of the day for employers desperate for talent is straightforward: Fix your hiring process. Make it simple, stop the bloviating and put an accessible human in charge of your search.

As for me, I’m thinking all I need now is a new title. Assistant Vice President of Content-Centric Product and Strategic Thought Leadership? Sounds about right.

And regarding my PowerPoint skills, my younger colleagues say everyone uses Visme or Haiku Deck now anyway. Take that, anonymous hiring manager.